I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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