I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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