she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
