I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
a search helicopter?!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize