The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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