there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
