I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
