I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
