i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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