I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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