Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
