Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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