I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
