Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My dick has a subreddit
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize