handjob tips. give me some.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
