I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
