I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
