where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
