please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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