Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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