I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
