There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
