Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Drake has all the answers
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
