Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
