What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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