So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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