you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
