He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
