i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
