We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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