Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
