My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He kissed a someone with a penis
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
