My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There are leaves in my underwear?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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