My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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