That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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