he was CRYING into my vagina
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize