what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
