So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I faked an abortion last night.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
