Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sponge bath it is.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
