I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
