you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
