Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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