I'm so fucking centered right now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
