I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
