i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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