When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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