And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
