thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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