I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
