the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
