So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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