Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
