I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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