I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
