he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we're so committed to being not committed
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
