Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
