I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
