I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
